Aku mematung di dimensi ini, merenungmu dari jauh
Cerita yang tak bermula, pun tak kunjung selesai
Sekat tak nampak tapi nyata membentang sepanjang radiusmu
malaikat menyekap inderaku baik-baik
Tak ada gelombang rasa yang terlalu ringkih bagi perindu layaknya kita
Tak ada memori yang terlalu enteng untuk perekam seperti kita
Kita adalah bidak-bidak yang punya aturan jelas:
harus saling membunuh untuk bersama.
Sometimes I lost my consciousness about what the time of this life is for. I used to live it for myself, then to start living for other — without attaching any selfinterest — is quite confusing.
If you — whoever you are — read this, please answer these questions in your mind:
1. Whose wish is your priority now?
- Your parents?
- Your spouse?
- Your children?
- Anyone else?
2. What if their wish is incompatible with yours?
3. Can you determine what exactly is your purpose?
- Career?
- Family?
- Love?
- Wealth?
- Popularity?
- Peace?
- Anything else?
4. What brings you more self-satisfaction: to see yourself happy? Or to fill up anyone else's hopes on you?
If you can answer all those question easily with no doubt, you are terribly lucky.
Sadly, none of those above I can answer. Truth is, I always want to make them — everyone who has faith on me — happy. At least, not to make their expectations down. Because making people happy is a kind of worship too.
Some people said, if you don't really know what do you really want, then have more conversations with yourself. Other said, if you don't really know what to do, then do what God likes. Maybe I'm not so good in practicing both of them.
My dreams are so big, far away from the place I stand now. The reason why I'm still here is, I wanna make everyone happy, never want to disappoint them. But in the end, nothing works. I can't fulfill everyone's wish. People's happy because of themselves, not because of me. That's why.
Sometimes I feel so jealous to those who has freedom. Live by themselves, do anything they want, not so worry about what people think or say. They do what they choose to do, not because they're pressurised to do. They can show who they really are, have fun with no worries. Sounds good, rite?
Then this is happened: I dreamt. I my dream, I was in a school that taught about life. Students were asked to do tasks, and whoever fail will die. I didn't take it seriously until one of my friend died. I was afraid, thinking about things in life I haven't done, my families, and my sins. Then a very loud voice sounded clearly, "It's all about sincerity. It's not the result that matters, nor also what people say and what you get in return. It's about doing your tasks in your best with sincerity." Then I did that task and didn't really care about failing and to die. Surprisingly, 'the school' accepted my tasks and I was still alive.
I won't forget that dream. It's a big reminder that, whatever God gives to me now, it's 'my tasks' to be done. I have to do it with sincerity, honestly for God. And that means it for me too, because no one can help me and my family in the hereafter but God. When God asks me to be a wife and a mom, I don't have to be a perfect wife and mom. I just have to do all my best. I can't compare myself to other because we didn't get the same tasks, rite? Nor even the difficulty level. I just have to be patient and strong. And honest.
Because my foolish mind sometimes wish for something unreal, whereas I already have something real here. I have everything I dreamt when I was younger and more honest. That's why we have to be careful of what we wish.
Now, before I sleep, I just wanna take a deep breath of thankful air to God, for giving me such a good life and keeping me in the path. And to remind me in the future to do just what life gives with sincerity. You don't need anyone to tell that you're great, because there's only one who sees the real you and keep watching inside out: God.
Subhanallahi wa bi hamdihi.
*Life is just a dream, anyway.
Disusunnya bata itu satu per satu, sambil mengeruk kenangan. Sesekali berhenti ia, menghela oksigen, membukakan celah bagi darahnya yang terhimpit otot. Jantungnya berdetak biasa saja, tanpa tekanan, tanpa emosi.
Dinding itu telah cukup tinggi, pikirnya. Ia kembali ke beranda, menyeruput kopi hitam yang tadinya panas. Awan berjalan lambat -- tapi diperhatikannya segala hal pun begitu. Semut-semut berbaris lambat, air di selokan mengalir lambat, pikirannya.. pikirannya berputar lebih lambat. Lambat ke belakang, kadang diam. Tak sekalipun dihiraunya masa depan.
Dinding itu telah menutup masa depannya.
"Bangun. Ayo bangun!"
Perempuan itu bergeming. Busa keluar dari pucat bibirnya.
"Tidak, tidak. Ayo bangun. Bangun!"
Ia melirik celana kainnya yang penuh darah. Disentuhnya cairan kental itu, yang mengalir dari rahim dan hati.
"Kumohon, jangan tinggalkan aku. Jangan pergi, kumohon."
Tidak ada yang menjawab. Tidak pula bergerak. Tidak ada angin yang mengeringkan airmata. Semua celah tertutup dinding.
Ada masa ketika peta itu tergambar jelas: tertawa bersama, bangun tidur bersama, membangun rumah, membesarkan anak, bermain bersama, hidup bahagia, menabung, mati bersama. Apa yang terjadi di tengah jalan?
"Kau membenciku."
"Aku tidak benci. Aku marah."
"Marah kenapa?"
Ia sendiri lupa mengapa ia begitu marah. Ubun-ubunnya penuh emosi tatkala itu, tak cukup ruang untuk menyimpan memori.
"Kau mau sendiri. Tapi lalu ada aku."
Ia menggeleng. Ia tidak mau sendiri. Siapa yang mau?
Kepalanya masih berputar lambat. Dinding ini dirasanya cukup untuk menyelimuti sisa hidupnya yang kelu. Satu tubuh perempuan dan satu embrio terbaring di bawah luas halaman di depannya. Setidaknya kita masih bersama.
"Ya, kau benar. Aku tidak bisa sendiri. Meski pada akhirnya, kita semua mati sendiri."
Tidak ada kopi senikmat itu. Yang bisa kau nikmati dalam dinding kuburmu sendiri, tepat di atas kepalamu, bersama mereka yang kau cintai.
Apa yang kau harapkan dari sebuah buku cetakan baru?
Desain sampul baru,
penerbit berbeda,
kertas jenis lain,
atau revisi
Tapi tak bisa kau harapkan cerita berbeda
Paragraf, bab, dan konflik akan sama saja
Bahkan jika penerjemah berbeda tafsir di sejumlah bagian,
pada ujungnya
tak bisa kau bahagiakan akhir yang sedih
atau meramaikan tamat yang sepi
atau menghidupkan tokoh yang mati.
